By the time you read this, the big day will be over, and will have moved on. We will be readying for the next as they new year is barreling toward us.
But I’m gonna post it just the same. I didn’t want to share during the festive season. I didn’t want to bring any gloom or despair. Yet, maybe some one needs to hear we all can have a bluesy Christmas sometimes…
Today was Christmas Eve Eve, meaning the day before Christmas Eve, and I’ve honestly struggled throughout the day to be cheerful. If I’m being honest, the struggle hasn’t been just today, but it seemed to be most prevalent through these past few hours.
We had our family gathering, and so many had returned. It was so great to see, and really fun to watch the littles jump and squeal with delights of grandeur and thrill.
Yet, I felt so out of sorts.
I didn’t mope. I didn’t whine, shed tears, or even frown. My sole remained solid. We chatted, laughed, and engaged.
No one knew. Not one even guessed. But the heaviness over my heart was so hard to turn around.
And I’m searching deep to find the reason why.
Nobody died. The bills aren’t overwhelming, and the kids aren’t sick. Our family is doing fine, and our marriage is at its all time best…even the in-laws are amazing and sublime.
Yeah. Don’t squint your eyes at me. It really is the truth!
So, why am I so down? What’s making my heart blue? I’m reaching down in the depths and crying out for the Father to reveal what’s true.
It’s like walking through a mountain park on a crisp, cool, fall afternoon. The sun is shining down beautifully. The leaves rustle in the wind, and the birds are chirping, getting ready to head to warmer lands.
And all of a sudden, your boot sloshes in the mud puddle that caught you unaware.
It’s not at all a tragedy. It’s not really even a shame. It’s simply a muddy bootleg, but it’s disappointing all the same.
And try as you may, it puts a little damper on the moment. Now, you can choose to let it ruin your day, or you can choose to shake it off and simply keep on skipping through that field. Yet, you do look back at that splash dirt and grime, wondering where it came from and what its purpose was lying so your fate was sealed.
That’s a pretty good picture of my heart today. I will choose joy, and I will choose peace, even if I have to fight to obtain it. But I’m still exploring the edges of my soul, hunting for that foul stain that is seeking to bring forth the rains.
And then all of a sudden, the name reappears, and the memories present themselves like a flood. That old wound which I thought I’d forgotten. That lost emotion which I try to keep hidden, even from myself, crashes in with a loud thud.
Some things are lost forever which can never be recovered. Some connections can not be reconciled. Some relationships are better left where they were placed and never riled.
But the pain in a little girl’s heart sometimes just creeps back and is secretly worn like an old cellar door left unlatched in the night to catch the wind in the middle of a storm.
Grief appears unannounced. Grief comes in all shapes and sizes. It might be a loved one lost; it might be a broken heart that can’t find amends. It may be a concord that has been shattered.
Grief has no time limit, and it has no bounds.
But I will choose joy. I will choose peace. And He will help to bring healing, as I bring it and lay it down again and again.
You will show me the path of life;Psalm 16:11
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.