We were sitting at the local Italian restaurant with a group of young people. We’d come straight from church, still dressed in our “Sunday Best.” And I’d been bragging about this delicious dessert coffee they have, essentially made up of chocolate and strong coffee. (SO good!)
We’d ordered and asked for the server to put all five in to-go cups because we all had places to go, things to do, and that in and of itself was a wise decision, as it took such a long time for the coffees to arrive and the check to be tallied. So, our servers passed out the drinks, and I’m quick to insert my straw to assess if it had been made “just right.” After all, I’d told everyone how wonderfully delicious these beverages were, and I didn’t want to be wrong because maybe someone in the back failed to mix them correctly.
I grab my straw and pop it into the whipped-cream- created-domed plastic lid and picked up the cup to take a sip. It was like a volcano had erupted! It spewed all over my mouth, down my shirt (inside and out) and onto my freshly dry cleaned suit pants!! 😳😳🤦♀️ How seriously embarrassing! Especially for me, when I’d prefer to keep all spotlight shined in the opposite direction of my moment.
The girls, circling my center of the table seating arrangement, immediately were concerned for my welfare. “Are you ok?? … That didn’t burn you, did it? … Oh no, it got on your pretty suit!” All eyes were on me, and I surely would rather have simply crawled under the table. And then, as I was trying to reassure everyone I am alright and to hopefully encourage them to just ignore me and carry on with their conversations, one young lady sweetly said, “Well, at least it just looks like it blends into your shirt!”
Immediately recognizing the reality of her statement, alongside the camaraderie of understanding between us, we shared a burst of laughter together, and the embarrassing moment seemed to fade away into the next conversation at hand. This little lady, young enough to be my daughter, spoke something out of the authenticity and gentleness of her heart that brought such a calm to my frantic flutter of trying to clean up the mess…
As messy and chaotic as this moment is, at least it blends into your shirt (blue and brown tie-dye). As potentially ruining as that chocolate might be, at least it is camouflaged by the artist design of your shirt. As disastrous as this moment feels, both to your emotions and your outfit, there’s no need to worry about it. Just roll with the punches and fix it when you get home.
And it made me think, this is the same responses we get to choose in life. No matter if it’s chocolate coffee splattered all over my shirt and suit pants, or whether it’s a broken promise, shattered dreams, or a feared diagnosis, how we respond determines the next season of our life.
Choice is a beautiful thing, and we each get to choose how we will reciprocate those hard moments.
How do you respond when the milk gets spilled at breakfast? How do you speak when it not only begins to rain, but it pours a torrential downspout, and your umbrella has a hole in it? How do you look when someone blatantly cuts you to the core with betrayal? How do you show your hand when all the beauty of life seems to be swallowed up in a brush fire, and no one even appears to give a thought or a care?
I know. It’s just sticky, dark stained, chocolate coffee on my shirt. It’s just solidified sugar seeped into my pantsuit that may or may not come out with a little scrub. It’s just another high dollar dry cleaning bill that I don’t really want to spend this week. But is it only that?
Maybe we can step back and reassess for a moment…
Had I responded with shock and anger, how would that have made my dinner guests feel about the wonderful lunch we were having? Had I thrown my napkin down in a tantrum, cried out, or even lamented sorrowfully to the server that he had filled the cup so much?
After all, he’d ingeniously and unknowingly created a pressure cooker inside that 16oz styrofoam cup! What kind of impression would I have given, what kind of example would I have been placing in front of all those present?
Instead I chose to laugh. Instead I chose to try to mop up the liquid just as quickly and efficiently as I could. I tried to discreetly walk away to the restroom to assure I found all the spots and dabbed a little water droplets to help battle the stains. I returned to the table and carried on as if nothing had gone wrong.
And everyone texted later that they had a delightful time.
A merry heart does good, like medicine, But a broken spirit dries the bones.
Do you grow angry and jealous of those who don’t seem to be affected?
Do you dive into the bottle, the drugs, the prescriptions, anything that will bring relief and simultaneously self destruction?
Do you recede into yourself daring anyone to knock on the wall you’ve built to shield?
Do you quietly reflect, never sharing an inner thought, always brooding, always bracing for the next?
Do you remove yourself from your present day and time and settle into memories of the past, sealing the vault to enter into more?
Maybe you do none of these.
Maybe you do all but at different times.
Recently, it seems I have walked beside so many experiencing this event that one day will, someway, somehow, affect all of us, and it caused me to stop and ponder for a moment.
What do you do when facing grief?
Truthfully, those of us with understanding, knowledge, and even experience with the “Five Stages of Grief,” we can give cliche answers and sound like the most brilliant human beings in the room. We can pontificate on the granduers of psychological pain, suffering, and sorrow. We can present thesis upon thesis on how one should react compared to the case studies of those who were deemed “grieving all wrong.”
But there is no formula to grief.
Oh, how I wish there were!
How I long for a formulaic answer to the mother, who asks, “Why did my son die?” How my heart aches for a well spoken response to the wife who says, “How will I ever live without him?” How my mind races for a piece of comfort to give when the father says, “I would’ve rather have taken her place.”
A studied and proven method would be so much easier to present in these moments of horror and torment. An eloquent quote, a ritualistic prayer, a methodical chant that could wash away the brokenness that remains, these would be like a healing balm both to their soul and mine. How soothing it would be to offer a word that could create the chasm as if there were no remnant of the devastation.
Yet, that is not how grief shows up nor how it makes its exit … if it actually has an exit.
No.
Grief is unexpected, unpredictable, and unwanted…and even truly, unexplainable.
The only thing that has been found a constant in the pain is that He is there. The only name that has stayed stable throughout is Jesus. The only One who has sustained all the shattered dreams and wrecked lives is the One who created our very soul.
And I can’t even tell you how He does it. But He does.
He is faithful and true. And He promises to abide. He promises to stay beside you in the midnight hours. He cannot lie. He is bound by His words of truth. And He will come and dwell. If you’ll but open the door of your heart.
And let Him in.
He is despised and rejected by men, A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised, and we did not esteem Him.
Surely He has borne our griefs And carried our sorrows; Yet we esteemed Him stricken, Smitten by God, and afflicted.
Isaiah 53:3-4
He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
Oh, if we could grasp this reality, what strength we could gather.
When someone wounds you, it’s not because you have done something wrong. It is because they have something wrong inside.
This is not to say that you could have possibly prevented it. Maybe. sometimes, we don’t notice warning signs until it is too late. Sometimes, we turn a blind eye because of our own hangups and intimidations.
But when someone wrongs you, particularly when it is repetitive, we have to accept it for what it is: their fatal flaw.
We don’t always need to defend ourselves.
And we don’t really need to retaliate.
But we do always need to walk away.
Step back from their negative blows.
Move out of the course of their mayhem.
Set boundaries and close the doors to their reckless endangerment.
Realize it is not your responsibility nor your burden to bear.
Sometimes, broken people try to break others.
Sometimes, wounded people live to wound others.
Sometimes, twisted people endeavor to twist the lives of others.
But this never means you have to surrender to it.
Remove your heart from their hammer and reclaim your peace.
It’s worth the effort.
You are worth the time.
Do not enter the path of the wicked, And do not walk in the way of evil. Avoid it, do not travel on it; Turn away from it and pass on. For they do not sleep unless they have done evil; and their sleep is taken away unless they make someone fall. For they eat the bread of wickedness, and drink the wine of violence.
But the path of the just is like the shining sun, that shines ever brighter unto the perfect day. The way of the wicked is like darkness; they do not know what makes them stumble.
This statement rings true in so many relationships.
So many are only surface deep.
Never enduring the hard days to witness the true character.
Never persevering the rain to find the rainbow.
How you approach a friendship tells a lot about your character.
How you delicately cherish or nonchalantly cast aside the relationship says more about you than about them.
Some people are only meant to be with you for a moment.
But those who stick around for the duration, they are worthy of the depths of your soul.
Where will your depth take you?
Your affliction is incurable, Your wound is severe. There is no one to plead your cause, That you may be bound up; You have no healing medicines. All your lovers have forgotten you; They do not seek you; For I have wounded you with the wound of an enemy, with the chastisement of a cruel one, for the multitude of your iniquities, Because your sins have increased. Why do you cry about your affliction? Your sorrow is incurable. Because of the multitude of your iniquities, Because your sins have increased, I have done these things to you. ‘Therefore all those who devour you shall be devoured; And all your adversaries, every one of them, shall go into captivity; Those who plunder you shall become plunder, and all who prey upon you I will make a prey. For I will restore health to you And heal you of your wounds,’ says the Lord, ‘Because they called you an outcast saying: “This is Zion; No one seeks her.” ’
“Thus says the Lord:
‘Behold, I will bring back the captivity of Jacob’s tents, and have mercy on his dwelling places; the city shall be built upon its own mound, and the palace shall remain according to its own plan. Then out of them shall proceed thanksgiving and the voice of those who make merry; I will multiply them, and they shall not diminish; I will also glorify them, and they shall not be small.
Men may cry, “Peace, Peace!” But the war is already on the battlefield.
What you choose to do in times of war will often expose the depth of your character.
Some claim they are strong and powerful me; yet, they turn a blind eye and lower their hands to defeat the enemy.
Some declare peace and love can never be shown through force, and the innocent are left to die in the streets at the hands of wicked men.
But the meek, the humble, and the mighty all join as one to rescue the child, to defend the broken, to defeat the evil when it is in their power to do so.
The strongest and most fierce shelter the fragile and shield the blameless and call out the immoral.
It is never the muscles and brawn that make someone you stalwart and indomitable.
Rather, it is the passionate heart who stands for Truth at all cost.
It is the relentless pursuit for justice the raises up an army for victory.
It is the raging embrace of liberty that fortifies the battlefront.
These are the standards by which the war is won.
If you faint in the day of adversity, Your strength is small. Deliver those who are drawn toward death, and hold back those stumbling to the slaughter. If you say, “Surely we did not know this,” Does not He who weighs the hearts consider it? He who keeps your soul, does He notknow it? And will He not render to each man according to his deeds?
Proverbs 24:10-12
Keep yourself far from a false matter; do not kill the innocent and righteous. For I will not justify the wicked.
There was a girl who got through the day with routines, laughter. and some memes...chores, laughs, smiles, and some cats...food, naps, plus coffee too...then yoga for the win... a warm bath, some books, and You Tube📺-hdtj💜
My journey didn’t stop with mere time travel or writing; it led me to become one of the most sought-after empaths, a soulful psychic who reads the hidden depths of the human spirit. I’ve been blessed—or perhaps burdened—with an ability that allows me to feel the emotions of people from every corner of time.
I am a licensed psychologist based in Greece. My love for housekeeping has inspired me to create this blog about home management and family relationships. I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing!
Dedicated to movie nerdom, nostalgia, and soul invigoration. In the late 90s, I worked at Blockbuster Video where they let me take home two free movies a day. I caught up on the classics and reviewed theatrical releases for Denver 'burbs newspapers and magazines. Today, while raising two young, beautiful daughters with my amazing wife, I look forward to anything rated R and not Bluey. Comments and dialogue encouraged!
the grizzle grist mill 