You gotta drop the pain in order to find the love.
You gotta release the unforgiveness to grasp the forgiveness.
You gotta let go of the strife to embrace the joy.
You gotta open your fingers and let the ashes to fall.
Otherwise, you’ll never feel the beauty in the broken.
To give them beauty for ashes,
Isaiah 61:3
The oil of joy for mourning,
Boundaries. What are boundaries?
An ancient boundary would be a place set up by forefathers to make territory, valued land, and a home.
Oxford says it’s a line that marks the limit of an area.
Webster describes it as something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.
A definition I like is a dividing line.
Because truthfully, that’s exactly what a boundary in a relationship is. It’s the start and stop of what I’m willing to tolerate to allow you close proximity me.
And we all have them. We all set them. Intentionally and non-intentionally.
We set them for random dogs that run up to us on the street. We set them for rulers and dictators who want to control. We set them for arbitrary strangers in public. We set them for our boss, our coworkers, our friends.
And yet, when it comes to loved ones or family, sometimes, we question if boundaries are appropriate. Are they needed? And are they valid?
Instead of answering this forthrightly, let me answer with a question.
If you so easily set that boundary for the arbitrary stranger that you may never see again, why would that person get more attention for your thoughts than the ones with whom you are closest?
Let that settle in and mull it over for a minute.
If you set a boundary for that stranger, as in they can’t just simply steal from you without a fight, why would you allow a loved one to continually steal your peace of mind day after day?
If you set a boundary for that ruler or boss in your life, as in he or she isn’t going to come into your home and rearrange your life without resistance, why would you allow a child to walk in and wreak havoc in your abode?
If you set a boundary for that random dog you encounter, as in it will not jump on you, eat whats in your hand or dispose of itself on you without a kick, shove, yell or simple walk away, why would you allow a family member everyday to do the very same things, even if it is a mental or emotional act of abuse?
When someone is unruly, disrespectful, overbearing, self centered, or selfish in their regard to someone else, sometimes, you’re going to have to decide how much you will tolerate and then, set a boundary for no more.
It doesn’t matter if they don’t like it.
It doesn’t matter if they agree.
It doesn’t even matter if their feelings are hurt, and they say so.
What matters is the peace of mind that comes when the line is drawn and sanity is found.
What matters is the love that returns when the fence is erected and a calm is found within its limits.
Set those boundaries. Stand your ground.
And begin to breathe again.
Do not remove the ancient landmark
Proverbs 22:28
Which your fathers have set.
There is so much truth to this statement that it’s almost difficult to add anything to it.
Too often, we continually try to change people to fit what we need, or better yet, we work hard to “lead them” to a better place to accommodate who we are and who we are becoming.
But people are people.
You might can lead them well, and when that is feasible, by all means, carry on. But when it is someone who is bringing constant harm to you or to someone you love, be careful giving your time. Because you’re also giving your love, your thoughts, and eventually someone else’s flesh more than just your own.
When it’s toxicity, abuse, or dysfunction we’re talking about, step back and evaluate what you’re truly letting go of:
Peace of mind. Peace in your home.
Love in your heart. Love in your surroundings.
Sanity. Sanity in your loved ones.
If these things are given up for the sake of family, friendship , or other relationships, is it really worth it?
Sometimes, you have to hear what someone is saying, see what they are doing, and understand they are who they are. This is a a choice. And you f it doesn’t line up with the peace, love and sanity you need for your life and for those within your charge, then by all means,
Step away.
You both will be better for it.
As a dog returns to his own vomit,
Proverbs 26:11-12
So a fool repeats his folly.
Do you see a man wise in his own eyes?
There is more hope for a fool than for him.
This little clip from White Christmas is so revealing for many of us. If you live your life a skeptic or a bit of an “investigator,” this phrase makes perfect sense, because you already search for the angle in every person you meet. If you live your life as an ostrich or a small child, you may not comprehend it because you don’t look past the simple words someone uses or you completely ignore innuendos as a self preservation technique.
Either approach you take in life, many times, we ourselves as well as others have an angle for what we say and do. We may be protecting ourselves from further pain, or we may be in attack mode and looking for every opportunity to fight. But we all approach life with an Angel or looking for someone else’s.
So, what do we do about that? Do we live out everyday angry, reading into, and often misreading the other person’s responses, continually in strife for every hour of the day? Or do we turn a blind eye to every whim and wind coming from the direction of a person and just ignore any possibility of malice, believing as if we live in a Pollyanna World where we are all innocent and nothing could ever be evil or vile?
I say NO to both these extremes. I say Get your trauma healed; so, you can live effectively in this world and go out and help another. I say Get your head out of the sand; grow up, and realize there is evil all around, but we get to choose to what we listen, to whom we interact, and to how we react.
If we live out lives by choices than we take responsibility, recognize failures and celebrate successes. Stop being a victim! And stop being an antagonist! There’s a better life out there for all of us!
There is wisdom in reading, gaining knowledge and asking good questions to help yourself heal. There is wisdom in gathering around ing good people who look out for you, defend you and protect you. There is wisdom in submitting yourself to a process of growth, to a challenge of change and to a hierarchy of those who will look at you and say, “You’re reacting with an angle. Stop it.”
So, get honest with YOU. Fo some deep soul searching today. Figure out your angle and why it’s there. And go get you some accountability to make yourself better than you are today.
Or not. And continue to live your life in the mud hole of brokenness, angst, confusion and failure.
It’s your choice. 😉
And if it seems evil to you to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”
Joshua 24:15
I read somewhere today this statement, and it’s such a great way to start the new year.
(Yeah, I know we’re 11 days in. I’ve been traveling, but I’m back! 🤣)
The statement was this:
Read this today, and it’s worth repeating:
“You can either have a good life inspite of —— (the issue), or you can have a bad life because of —— (the issue). You choose.”
And there is more truth in these two sentences than I could possibly expound upon! Choices make who we are. Choices create who we become.
We are not victims. We are not helpless. We have a choice, and we need to start choosing, or we give the power to someone else.
Our society has become a victim mentality of “It’s your fault. It’s mama’s fault. It’s daddy’s fault I’ve become who I am. I just can’t help myself, and it’s someone else’s job to fix me and my situation!”
WHY??
Why should someone else fix you?
Why should someone else fix your circumstances?
You’ve got a brain. You’ve got legs. You’ve got abilities. If nothing else, your lungs are still breathing, and your heart is still beating. You’re not dead yet.
So, get up. Get moving. And make a change.
You might have to fight and claw your way out, but you can do this!! You can make it!!
Now, if you’ve stayed with me this far and read this much, I can assure you, there may be some who are offended. Some who cannot believe what I’m saying because after all, I don’t know you, and I don’t know your situation.
You’re right. I don’t know you. I don’t know your situation. And I don’t know you’re trauma or history. But I don’t have to.
I know my own. And I know my God. And that’s enough.
I have a family history full of sorrow, agony and pain. There was enough dysfunction in some places to write a book.
But the past is the past, and we must choose if we will remain in the mud and wallow in it, throwing it upon everyone who walks by to help us. Or do we climb out of that mud hole, by our fingernails, if we have to, and let change come?
It’s time to get out of the hole.
If you need help, then ask. If you need counseling, then find someone who will actually help. Don’t stay in a psychotherapy maze, where they take your money, and nothing ever changes. Find someone who has an endgame lined up for you. Find someone who cares enough to help you get better not just settling for status quo.
Move beyond that past and learn to forgive.
I know. That’s a trigger word. Why should you forgive when they’ve done the wrong?
Forgive because you deserve better. Forgive because it frees you not them. Forgive because that’s only way you can move forward and be strong.
And forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation. Forgiveness doesn’t mean to walk back into the fire you escaped. Forgiveness doesn’t mean to step back into the arena where you were abused to return to the hell you got out of.
Forgiveness only means you take away their power to wound you again. Forgiveness means you remove their authority to bring harm.
So forgive today.
Choose life today.
And for goodness sake, choose to LIVE!!
I personally, I choose LIFE! I choose to LIVE! And I choose JESUS!! Because He’s the only One who gives goodness, joy, peace, redemption, faith and hope! … ie. the good life! ❤️
So for this new year of 2024, what are you choosing??
And if it seems evil to you to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”
Joshua 24:15
The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it moreabundantly.
John 10:10
#speakoutspeakloudspeaklife
I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas, and I wish you a very happy New Year’s!
With Nee Year’s comes new year resolutions, reservations for new school vents and sometimes even “revolutions” to start a new thing and accomplish it with fire!
But then, after only a few months, we often see so many temporarily quit, back up or walk away altogether from their declarations. Why?
More often than not, it’s because a great proclamation can’t change the heart.
If you too closely resemble the world you are wanting to change, it will be harder for you to being about change.
If you never implement accountability, you’ll never have a foundation for truth and honestly.
If you never truly come out a be separate from that thing you are leaving, how do you ever believe you can truly transform?
So, as the new year quickly approached, let’s do some reflecting. Let’s go some pondering.
But most of all, let’s do some deep soul searching to find the true depth of the change we want and so desperately need.
And then, let’s step out of the comfort zones. Let’s rip through the veils of secrecy.
And let’s shine the light of absolute truth and stand apart from what was to become what can and will be.
But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light..
1 Peter 2:9
For you are a holy people to the Lord your God, and the Lord has chosen you to be a people for Himself, a special treasure above all the peoples who are on the face of the earth.
Deuteronomy 14:2
C. S. Lewis has such a way with words. We work so hard to move forward, make progress, never wanting to pause the success and forward motion of our journey.
Yet, sometimes, a good pause is warranted.
Sometimes, an about face turn is in desperate need.
For if we continue to advance, never changing course when the path is in error, we will end our journey devastatingly off course.
So, if you find yourself on the wrong track today, if you recognize this is not the destination for which you first set out, have no shame, have no fear.
Make haste. Do a 180 immediately.
And return to the one degree you missed way back beyond.
It’s never too late.
Unless of course, you stubbornly proceed until you have no more breath.
Now, therefore,” says the Lord,
Joel 2:12-13
“Turn to Me with all your heart,
With fasting, with weeping, and with mourning.”
So rend your heart, and not your garments;
Return to the Lord your God,
For He is gracious and merciful,
Slow to anger, and of great kindness;
And He relents from doing harm.
You’ve heard the statement Faith over Fear, or maybe you’ve seen the tshirt, but what does it really mean?
To embrace faith, do you truly let go of fear?
To hold onto strength while pushing away intrepidation?
Or do you simply grasp fear by the throat with one hand and link arms with faith with the other and walk boldly forward through the raging fire and burning flames?
I say truth faith is the latter.
True faith is when the pain takes your breath away, and you have no idea what brings tomorrow or if it will even come, but you square your shoulders and take the step onward.
That’s real faith.
And I’ve seen it in living color…
And it’s all together inspiring and beautiful.
And oh. So very rare.
But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel:
Isaiah 43:1-3
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name; You are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the Lord your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior…
What is something others do that sparks your admiration?
I have a friend whose husband has just had his leg amputated this past week because of diabetic neuropathy. He was cracking pirate jokes the day after, and she was back in church worshipping on Sunday.
I have a friend whose husband travels extensively throughout the year as a lawyer who defends faith rights as she stays home with her littles, and she still offers a friendly hand, makes a phone call to the hurting, reaches out to the lonely.
I have a friend whose husband was shot in the line of duty, and she works hard to raise their fifth child while also sharing with others about her faith and the peace Jesus can bring in spite of pain, and she’s also working vigorously on her own degree in the study of law.
I have a friend whose wife died tragically in a car wreck, and the very week following her funeral, with tears still to shed, he got on a plane to fly to her hometown to preach the gospel and tell people about the Jesus that she desperately loved.
Each of these friends have heart wrenching stories with details that might break the next person. But each them stand in their faith and keep loving, keep reaching, keep grieving, and keep worshipping their Creator. I’ve watched some go through much less and blame God, walk away from Him and even curse Him.
And you might wonder what’s the difference. Or maybe look at them with criticism and scoff at their faith. Or maybe you gaze upon their path and wonder how in the world you could do the same.
But I’ll tell you what I admire most: their admiration of their King and their ability to do the hard with the deepest of grace.
Their adoration inspires me.
Their vigor admonishes me.
Their dedication and determination encourages me.
It’s not your circumstances that make you.
It’s what you do with those circumstances that makes the difference.
Choosing grace over anger creates an atmosphere of strength and fortitude that cannot be easily silenced.
Choosing faith over despair creates a contagious courage that cannot be ignored.
It doesn’t mean pain is not felt, and it doesn’t mean fear is not faced, but it is the warrior within who brings a peace to those following which cannot be shaken by what’s to come and is sought after as if for fine gold.
This is what ignites my admiration.
This is what sparks the flames of my praise.
But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.
2 Corinthians 4:7-9
And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
Romans 5:3-5
Are you dreaming small or dreaming tall?
What you dream of, you’ll shoot for.
What you reminisce, you’ll reach toward.
What you chase after, you’ll find in one form or another.
So, be careful what you wish for.
Dreams can become reality if only given moment to live.
You’ll either fan the flame or squelch the embers.
The choose is yours.
And today is the telling hour.
What is your dream?
Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.”Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”
Mark 9:23-24
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I am a licensed psychologist based in Greece. My love for housekeeping has inspired me to create this blog about home management and family relationships. I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing!
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